Women Cannot Open Doors

Every now and then some  egghead decides to reject a guy attempting to open a door for her with the rather haughty declaration, “women can open doors for themselves you know!”

No, no we cannot. Women are completely incapable of opening doors for ourselves.

When we are confronted with a door that doesn’t magically open, we will gather in front of it and stand there puzzled. You see this all the time, women gathered in entryways chatting, filing their nails, sending texts, playing Candy Crush. It’s such a huge problem that many stores simply put in automatic doors with pads that you step on. This makes the doors magically open for us so we are no longer bottlenecked in the entryway awaiting the arrival of some man who knows how to operate a door properly.

This inability to enter buildings without assistance can be a real disability. There are many places in the world that are simply unavailable to us because we cannot navigate the doorway. I find it to be a great inconvenience. Sometimes I have to stand in a doorway for five or six minutes awaiting the arrival of some off duty hunky fireman to come along and help me access the building.

Doors are hard. I don’t know if anybody has ever played video games, but when faced with a door that won’t open, some women can spend 8-10 hours trying to solve the riddle. Some women will simply give up in frustration and exchange the game for one that has no doors in it at all.

The other day I encountered a door that was so challenging, so intricate, it actually took three men to open it for me. I was a bit embarrassed to have caused such an inconvenience. No, no I wasn’t embarrassed at all…

Whenever somebody complains about having a door held open for them the only proper response is, “Than why are you standing in my way looking stupid? Lead, follow or get out of the way!”