Moira's Story....

I speak of Moira Greyland who wrote “The Last Closet: The Dark Side of Avalon.” Moira’s story is an important one, one Christians especially need to hear, and it’s not a pleasant story at all, it’s a story of horrific child abuse, psychological, emotional, sexual, that has left lasting scars. It’s an important story because it shatters some myths, demolishes some narratives about the LGBT community and it reveals the downside of tribalism, the way morality can become totally subjective, right or wrong being defined not by what you do, but by who you are.

It is a dark abyss of moral ambiguity, a  really challenging swamp to fight your way out of.

Moira is not alone either, there are literally hundreds of thousands of us who grew up in some really abusive, emotionally devastating situations, situations fueled by the sexual revolution, by narcissistic parents, and by extreme liberalism or by what some would call the far left. The culture we created by throwing out all tradition, all morality, all standards, did some major harm, damaged some real live people and left lasting scars.

I have a memorial to those who did not survive, a number of children whose lives ended in suicide, addiction, or devastating health issues caused by extreme stress, PTSD.

I watch the #Metoo movement, the #churchtoo movement,  one might even say I am well pleased by the Great Shaking going on, but in the back of my mind, or rather burned into my very soul, is this keen awareness that faith does not cause child abuse, that “patriarchy,” is a false flag, that there are thousands of hurting, broken people who barely survived the sexual revolution, feminism, our attempts to redesign society into this utopian vision of sexual freedom.

Moira like me, found the Lord, even in the midst of abuse, of moral ambiguity, of cultural genocide, even in the midst of extreme atheism. Perhaps a better way to say that is, the Lord found us. 

It’s hard to put a positive spin on such darkness, such horrific evil, and there’s this need to make people understand how awful the damage really is, how painful, how it was literally the theft of a child’s mind, body, and spirit, impacting every area of your life. There is no nook or cranny of your very being left untouched.

I don’t want to gloss over that, I don’t want to minimize the harm, but I do want to celebrate a couple of things,  I want to praise the Lord, I want to infuse this darkness with hope, hope that I often see lacking when Moira’s story is being retold. Life is short, there are huge celebrations that should not be missed, a full inheritance from the Lord waiting to be claimed. Chaos, confusion, shame, the remnants of PTSD, need not define you anymore. Jesus Christ came to set the captives free and He restores, He redeems, He replaces what has been stolen, ten times over. But that is a promise that must be claimed. We have not because we ask not.

It’s a message that needs to be shouted from the rooftops until life and life abundant is just pouring into every nook and cranny of every abuse victim anywhere. You are not what has happened to you, you are not your past, your identity need not live there within the dark places anymore. The harm done is real enough, but complete healing can be just as real.

Sometimes I fear that as our culture exposes victimization, toxic secrets, and begins to speak the truth, we often leave out the part about how the Lord can rewrite the whole story, surprise us with His many plot twists, that the broken parts are actually beautful to Him, that they can rise up to Him like fragrant poetry. There is beauty lurking in our suffering, it is part of what makes us human. Our humanness is beautful because we are made in His image and He is beautful. He is more beautful, more powerful than we can even imagine, and we have been fashioned in His likeness.

Today I haven’t got scars, instead I have a melody of poetic praise that lifts His name on high, a flair for the melodramatic, a sharp wit and the strength of some real gallows humor. That is the kind of beauty He can hand us for our ashes. Don’t forget the hope, the hope in Him is real, it has an evidence and a substance that is tangible.

I going to post the entirety of Psalm 91,  and speak life over anyone who fears their scars are too big, who has not yet claimed freedom, claimed their full inheritance of resoration and healing that the Lord promises.

“He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.  Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.  He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler. Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day; Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.  A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.  Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.  Because thou hast made the Lord, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation;  There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.  For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.  They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.  Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.  Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.  He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.  With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.”

Making Sandwiches

There’s a real spiritual war going on within our culture right now that some may be blissfully unaware of, the battle of the sandwiches. I too was unaware of it until it began to encroach upon my life. The meme about “making sandwiches” is about far more than the superficial, it is an outright attack on women, on marriage, on gender relations, a shaming tactic of feminism.

This little meme I’ve posted is a somewhat humorous look at the nature of the problem and the social engineering underway hoping to redesign culture and relationships between men and women.

Suzanne Venker recently wrote an article,  “Are you weak if you make your man a sandwich?” In it she tells the tale of Maddie, an Australian woman who asked a facebook group for ideas about making her husband’s lunch. The internet response was pretty brutal as it often is, everything from accusing her of being “weak” to being “a 1950’s housewife setting women back for generations.” While this is an extreme example, such shaming tactics are a real thing in the world.

Along with an attack against marriage itself, there is also an attack against the nature of women, against our nurturing capabilities, anything feminine being perceived as an affront, an offense and an avid endorsement of all things evil, oppressive, and patriarchal.

At first glance this can appear kind of dumb, just another bit of the world’s stupidity, until you start to  also read 10-15 articles about domestic violence and abuse, articles in which EVERY woman would fit the bill of victimhood, EVERY woman is an abuse victim of her own husband. I realize this is Domestic Violence Awareness month and IB did spend several years working at a shelter, so it is not as if I am not keenly aware that abuse is a real thing in the world.

I must say however, some of these articles I am reading are not designed to raise awareness at all, they are not designed to help women escape dangerous relationships, they are flat out designed to mess with women’s heads. To convince ALL women that they are victims of oppression and abuse simply by the nature of institutional patriarchy, and the very institution of marriage itself. ALL women.

I’m not going to link to all these articles and take them down point by point, perhaps another day when I have more time, but my point being, there is an agenda going on here that is not interested in supporting and empowering women at all, it is interested in attacking marriage, shaming men and women for being men and women, and redesigning culture. It grieves me to see this, and to see it lurking beneath domestic violence awareness is ugly. Women face a lot of emotional and spiritual attacks from the world already, we have targets on our backs so to speak,  and so to bear witness to this farther exploitation is really frustrating.

Ironically, while reading some of this stuff,  I had the thought that what I was reading is actually a form of gaslighting, emotional and psychological abuse, fear mongering designed to cause her to doubt herself, to doubt her perceptions, to distrust her own observations about her own marriage or her relationship. It was flat out abuse under the guise of virtue signaling compassion for the well being of women.

I don’t have a solution really, but the first step is usually raising awareness, shining a light on the nature of the problem and bringing it to people’s attention. One way I can discern the difference between genuine love for women and a self serving agenda, is the heart behind the words. Is she a beautiful creature made in the image of God, powerful, having innate worth and value, or is she a powerless victim who should be ashamed of her “inherent” weakness and robbed of her confidence, her ability to perceive reality hijacked by those who claim to know better?

The moment I see women being shamed for who and what we are as women, I can usually find an agenda lurking beneath the surface, and that goes for the secular world as well as the Christian one.

Confirmation Bias

Confirmation bias is the way we draw towards ourselves the validation of our own experiences and perceptions of reality. It is the story we tell about ourselves and the world around us.

Merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream. In a way it really is. We create our own realities, define the little individual planets we all live on. A bit like decorating, we will bring the things that match our decor, home with us. We are the interior designers.

Often we do this with little or no awareness. It is seldom a conscious thing. Our brains are simply taking in data and defining the world for us. See, here are the edges, parameters, boundaries. This is how the world around you IS. This is how other people are. Adapt, adjust, and survive. That is pretty much all our brains do. They don’t filter out this info, moralize it, or even ask if it’s true in the context of the greater world. Not unlike a computer, they simply provide us with data based on our experiences and perceptions.

We are the authors of our own stories however, we have the power within ourselves to change those scripts, to alter the outcomes, to redefine the data, to totally control and change our own perceptions. We are the dreamers of our own lives.

It’s a bit ironic, human nature appears to love control, we want the power, we envy authority, and yet most of us are terrified of seizing it. To seize authority over this one aspect of ourselves that we really do have control over, is to take personal responsibility. With that comes accountability, often tainted by shame, blame, and a keen awareness of our own inadequacies. We are not quite the cool unicorns we thought we were, we are vulnerable, flawed and subject to the whims of the world around us.

One of the greatest deceptions of all is this idea that resisting authority, our own and that of others, puts us in control. We deceive ourselves when we do this because what it really means is that we are bound, ruled by an unrecognized script, trapped in a perception malfunction. It’s a protective and defensive stance, we are walled off, usually as a result of some kind of wounding. It provides us the illusion of control, but it is only an illusion, a deception. In truth we are compelled to walk out a script that is replaying in our minds over and over again, even when we are not aware of it. That’s not freedom, it’s a type of bondage. It is not control, it is the result of having lost control.

As long as we remain in this state, we will continue to draw things towards ourselves that confirm our own biases. Confirmation bias is neither good or bad, it simply is. When we become aware of it and seize control and authority over it, it can be a powerful tool because what we seek, we shall find. What we desire, we pull towards ourselves. Seek good things for yourself.

Confirmation bias is a pretty powerful spiritual law. It can be downright uncanny. One of the easiest ways to spot it in action is in the world of dating and relationships between men and women. A woman who has a negative perception about men and herself will, without fail, date all five of the greatest yahoos in a 500 mile radius. She will confirm her biases about herself and about men in general and it will define her entire world. She will conclude, all-men-bad.

A man may well have five ex wives and spend all his days bemoaning the evil nature of women. He will fail to see that he is the only common denominator there, that rather than being a complete victim of the story he now is living, he is actually the author.

To say such things tends to raise people’s hackles. It’s strange, but we’re often far more comfortable perceiving ourselves as victims of a cruel world rather than as the authors of our own stories. We tend to struggle, resist, avoid seizing our own authority over these stories. It’s a shame too, because that is the one thing we are granted full control over. We cannot change events, circumstances, the world around us, but we sure can change our response to it and our response to it is everything. It becomes our entire universe, the little planet we orbit on, the dream we are dreaming about our own lives.

"We are taught you must blame your father, your sisters, your brothers, the school, the teachers, but never blame yourself. It's never your fault. But it's always your fault because if you wanted to change you're the one who has got to change"
-Katharine Hepburn

I cannot imagine how much trouble Katharine would get herself into if she were to say such a thing today. I can already see the Twitter wars, the Facebook fights, the insistence that she apologize immediately for suggesting such a thing. Everyone knows women are completely powerless victims of never ending oppression we have absolutely no control over. To even use the word "fault" is an appalling attempt to promote misogyny, shame women, and engage in victim blaming. Privilege, she has forgotten her privilege and is now persecuting everyone!

She is absolutely correct however, it is always your fault because you are the only common denominator in your own  life. To believe anything else is to actually hand your power away. If one cannot accept fault, blame, responsibility, then one is basically saying they are completely helpless. One is rarely completely helpless. Even if your circumstances are beyond your control, you have the power to change your attitude towards them.

I've written quite a bit about the toxicity of shame and sometimes people disagree because they think shame is a way of regulating people's behavior, of triggering their conscience so they make better choices. What it is however, is a huge minefield in the world that weighs people down so they get so resistant, they cannot even conceive of anything outside of the constraints of, "Who's fault is this? It certainly isn't mine!" In an instant everything becomes personal. You're trying to blame me! Or women. Or men. Or some group I'm associated with.

That is the kind of division that toxic shame causes, the type of defensiveness and fear that encompasses it. It's an attitude that creates complete gridlock. There can be no genuine change where there is no humility because everyone must remain resistant and walled off. Battle mode, I call it.

Congress is a good example. According to surveys what people want more than anything else in the New Year is for our congresscritters to come together and actually accomplish something. Of course in politics one does not dare admit to ever having made any mistakes because that just leaves one vulnerable to attacks from the other side. Along with not admitting fault however, comes a state of believing you have no responsibility, and therefore no power to actually do anything. In our leaders it leads to an approval rating in the teens. Congress is now less popular then several common diseases.

I say this over and over again, but the personal is really not political. You cannot change the world but you can change yourself. That is scary because so many people then have to confront the fact that they are carrying around all this toxic shame that is preventing them from moving forward. Ironically, when you take responsibility, you often discover that most of that weight you've been carrying around, doesn't even belong to you.