Why men should not be defining feminism and femininity

Not really directing this towards anyone specifically, there are many, many articles written by so called feminist men. This particular post was just a classic example of what I speak of, “Why it is necessary to challenge parodies of feminism.”

When I first started speaking out against feminism, what I was not prepared for was so much outright hostility from men. That caught me unaware and surprised me. Also, allow me to play the girl card here, but it was also flippin scary, terrifying actually. Kind of blows all my arguments against male privilege and oppression when “feminist men,” start trying to silence you. That is a parody of feminism right there. There’s nothing quite like having men shrieking at you about male privilege and doing their darndest to prove it’s a real thing in the world.

I hardly know where to start on this post, so I’ll just highlight some of the words being spoken over women, “male privilege, you can’t make a proper fist, way down in the pecking order, slut shaming, she is bossy, women are paid less than men, slavery, denied their very humanity, they are dirty, calloused and seemingly incapable of thought, they will be known as chattel, feminism seeks to right the wrongs of millennia…”

No! Just no. Stop it. That is not the world I walk in nor is it how I define myself. I do not “voluntarily surrender (briefly) that (male) privilege when I don those heels, skirts and bras.”  That is just a total parody of womanhood itself. I surrender nothing! I am not chattel, a slave, denied my humanity, I actually enjoy a rather privileged status. Men open doors for me, they stop by to put a light bulb in my car, they help me carry groceries, they drop some encouraging words on me. In the context of marriage, there is a great deal of protection and provision. I am not “chattel,” it is a bit more like being a princess. Yes, a princess! The  never ending slam on Disney movies did not go unnoticed.

Women have immeasurable value in the biological equation, we produce the children, we look out for hearth and home. We encourage and support men, we provide intimacy and companionship. This is hardwired into who we are, reflected in the natural world around us. Men protect and provide, they enable women to be women, they make it possible for children to grow and prosper.

Feminism seeks to not just erase the masculine, but the feminine as well. It is a rather appalling deception because it teaches women that they don’t walk in the world confidently, as a being having worth and value, as someone who can enjoy the love and protection of men, but rather as an oppressed creature having second class status, a slave, a hated and feared creature, a bit of prey just awaiting the hoards of barbarians and rapists.

Perhaps that is how men who don heels, skirts, and bras feel when they walk in the world of men, perhaps they become acutely aware of the sexual dominance at play there, but that is a distortion, a projection. What many feminist men call “sexual dominance,” and sneer at as if it is a very bad thing, an oppressive thing, is not how most women perceive it at all. It says far more about how feminist men feel about their own selves than how women feel about men in general.

Feminism teaches women that they are prey and that men are predators. It creates a victim narrative that rivals that to be found in the worst of the world of patriarchy and misogyny. If you want to get technical about it, patriarchy itself has often been supported and nurtured by women themselves, as the keepers of culture. Patriarchy and many of the ideas therein are actually designed to protect and provide for women and children. Outside of the structure of culture and civilization, we do become prey, forced to compete in a world of might makes right, just as smaller, weaker competitors. We don’t fare so well under that system!

There is always going to be injustice in the world. There are always going to be yahoos that don’t play fair. But are women truly oppressed? Do we walk in the world as chattel, as prey? According to statistics, not so much. Men have far higher suicide rates than we do, far higher homicide rates, they die earlier, and they are far more likely to get themselves maimed and injured than women are. I’m reminded of an experiment on street harassment, a woman who roamed some city streets and bad neighborhoods for 10 hours seeking evidence of the harassment women face. It took her ten hours just to collect a couple of “hey baby’s!” When men walk the streets looking for trouble like that, they don’t fear harassment, they fear death.

“Oppression” is really a subjective thing, often based on our own personal projections and experiences. Sometimes it involves some confirmation bias, because what you seek, you do tend to find. But is it objectively accurate? Not so much.

I really resent many aspects of feminism, because what they seek, they are also compelled to destroy. Feminist men often speak of equality, but what they really mean, is that they wish to pull women towards what they perceive as dominant, as superior, and that no matter how enlightened they claim to be, it is actually going to be the very masculinity they are rejecting within their own selves.

If one is a man attempting to walk in the world as a woman, one’s perceptions of the world of men and women are going to be that of a man, attempting to perceive his own self through the eyes of women. As interesting as that is, it is still the subjective perceptions of a man and how he experiences his own self. Women rarely perceive men this way, we tend to seek their higher selves.

Not to be impolite here, but I rather enjoy being a girl and really wish that the feminists, the feminist men, the lesbians, the gays, the cross dressers, and the transgendered, would stop trying to define womanhood for every born woman on the planet. I do not wish to pull rank here, but when a woman herself is not even allowed to define what it means to be a woman, we have the strangest kind of male privilege going on, one that often seeks to project itself by force if necessary. Yeah, tolerance ain’t always so tolerant.

“Never Hide Behind the Fact That You are A Girl,”

“Never Hide Behind the Fact That You are A Girl,” -Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman

Jane Seymour is really starting to get on my nerves. There I was loading the dishwasher when I was interrupted by her words coming out of the TV. Naturally, like all celebrities she is wagging her finger and delivering these little social justice lectures, also known as public awareness campaigns. What makes celebrities experts on everything, anyway?

So, all decked out in her hoop skirts and long hair, daintily holding her little medical bag, she announces, “never hide behind the fact that you are a girl.”

Say what?? First of all, who’s hiding?? Come on Jane, get with the times here, like perhaps a hundred years into the future. With the NSA, drones, and now wifi barbie, nobody is hiding anywhere. Ever again. If Elf on the Shelf isn’t watching you, that little camera on your laptop can be activated by any unemployed basement dweller with half a brain. There are tracking devices on our license plates, our money, our cell phones.  Besides Jane, my TV was made in China and the little green light glows even when the thing is off. I assume the entire Chinese government is probably spying on me.

Second of all, even in hip waders it’s hard to hide the fact that I am a girl. Not that I would ever want to, but there are just some things you cannot hide, if you know what I mean.

Seriously though, “never hide behind the fact that you are a girl?” Like, “Hey Batman, take a hike, I fight my own battles!” How about, “Oooh, it’s dark and scary down there and I see spiders. Move over dude, I’m going first!” Or perhaps, “Someone dropped their ring down the drain, get out-of-the-way let me show you how to wade through toxic waste like a girl!”

Sorry Jane, this just isn’t working for me. I’m not liking this idea at all. I don’t know how you do things in your world, but in mine we kind of appreciate being able to play the girl card.

There are these raccoons I throw pine cones at to try to chase away from the garbage cans. They throw them right back at me. Have you ever heard a racoon growl, Jane? It’s a cross between a cat and a bear, the stuff of nightmares. I understand why men used to make them into hats. I AM a girl, Jane, and raccoons are not only smart, they have three-inch claws and big teeth. And rabies sometimes. I won’t come out so well in hand to hand combat with a raccoon.

It may be somewhat pathetic, but if there’s a garden snake sunning on the front porch, I’m going to need someone to handle it on account of the fact that I can no longer get into my house. Or into my yard. Actually if he’s still there, I’m hesitant to drive down my street without all the car doors locked…The same goes for dead rats in the driveway. Backed up drains. Groceries that are too heavy…anything mechanical…changing the oil on the car…chasing the prowlers away…screws with square heads…finding the stud in the wall…taking the garbage to the dump…fixing the dishwasher…getting the tree off the house….

What in the heck do you think the corset, hoop skirts, and long hair were for Jane?? Hunting? Fighting Indians? Tackling raccoons?

Gender Fears

Men and women really are different obviously, and that’s a delightful thing. It baffles me why anyone would seek to make us the same. We tend to try to do that all over our culture right now. Recently I’ve been observing this happen to our superheros, we must have a female Thor, so Thor has a sex change. The Green Lantern must be made female, why do we not have a female Green Lantern?? Dr. Watson in Sherlock Holmes must be portrayed by a female, and on and on the narrative goes, the rewriting of cultural memes and the transformation of our icons past.

This is actually kind of lazy and a bit demeaning to women, coming under the guise of feminism or not. I mean seriously, the world needs more superheroes, not recycled ones from long ago, freshly given a new politically correct persona. Not only does that deprive us of new and creative female superheros, it’s boring as heck because it’s been so overdone.

From observing people and reading literature, I’ve come to conclude that what men fear the most is being rendered insignificant. To be edited out of the equation by women and tossed aside in favor of something more appealing. That makes perfect sense within the context of biology and culture, because the role of men and their place in society, in the family, has been getting rewritten for the past 50-60 years. Biologically speaking, that fear of being erased, rendered insignificant, would be innate. It’s cruel and cold and clinical but so much of men’s value in to the biological equation has revolved around their expendability. Men have literally been called to die protecting women, families, children, for centuries.

Personally I don’t want anyone to have to die for me, but this little bit of truth is a good one to be aware of, because women really are called to pour some honor into men, to value them, to let them know they are significant, that they do matter. Not just in the context of husbands and wives, but all over our culture. Men will die for you. We see this all the time in first responders, in our military, in men protecting families, in health issues and early heart attacks from working too hard. There are some real yahoos out there and women sometimes lose their lives protecting others too, but in general, it is men who more frequently lay down their lives. What’s fair, what’s equal, is to let them know their sacrifices are not insignificant. They matter. They are not invisible to us.

What women tend to fear the most is being feared by men. That is an odd one, but it begins to make sense if you consider that fearful men often pose the most danger to women. What you fear, you are driven to control and destroy. Instinctively women know this and most  tend to steer clear of fearful men. Also, when men are scared of us, so much for their ability to protect and provide. If little old me scares you, you won’t be of much use when a saber tooth tiger shows up.

There is a lot of criticism and confusion over women as thug chasers, men who don’t understand why women sometimes pass over nice guys in favor of felons. Because women get broken too! Because the best way to feel better about your own issues is to seek a man more messed up than you are, and because thugs generally appear not to fear women. Heck they don’t even fear social norms. Often dumber than a box of rocks, but no fear. No fear is attractive.

Women also often feel compelled to “fix” broken men and in a healthy context, this is a good thing. Women are designed to bring out men’s better nature, their higher selves. Some men don’t have a better nature, but hey, biology marches right along anyway.

Biology matters. Working within the framework of who we are as people creates a lot more harmony and joy in the world. This little dynamic with our superheros and icons past is really an odd one. It plays into men’s fear of being erased, of being rendered insignificant, and puts women in the position of now being scary. So men fear you, now what? What’s the next chapter in this story??

It is angst and longing and loneliness. Someday our female Thor will get tired of punching men in the face and realize that what she truly desires deep within herself is intimacy with her enemy, but by then it will be too late, because she will have annihilated them all.

Take a Walk on the Wild Side

Having now read a dozen blogs about the horrors of being a woman walking in the rape culture, (hashtag#YESALLMENBAD) and watching the most pathetic celebration of oppression Olympics ever, I’m compelled to respond. One flat out got my goat, leaving me partially furious because of the deception she presents and partially empathetic because of the self-delusion she now seems trapped in.

“Blogging Girl”, who is precisely the same height and weight as I am, goes walking everywhere in a noble attempt to fight off poundage and encounters no less than 50 men (#YESALLMENBAD) who call her fat and declare her sea-worthy, (or c-worthy, if you get my drift.) Poor girl walks a gauntlet of horrific verbal abuse every day, just trying to exercise. Except she doesn’t, not really. I have watched a
naked man with a machete manage to attract a crowd of nearly 20, half of whom were law enforcement officers. Stark naked as a jay bird! See, most of us don’t care. We flat out don’t care. We have things to do, places to go, and if you’re passed out drunk on the sidewalk, we’ll simply step over you. It’s called the fallen log in the forest phenomenon, not one of our better qualities, but humans can only take in so much information before our brains render people invisible.

There is no way in hades you managed to attract the attention of 50 men who dropped everything they were doing to stop and inform you were fat, stupid, ugly, and shouldn’t be out walking.(#YESALLMENBAD) I ain’t buying it. I don’t mean to sound cruel, but you just are not the center of that many people’s universe. Well over two hundred people have now validated your victimhood, affirmed your feelings of persecution, confirmed your perception of a cold and sexist world. Now that is kind of cruel.

Come on girl, take a walk on the wild side with me and embrace the misogyny.

I walk through the world like Snow White trilling to the forest creatures, seriously. Schizophrenic guy stops talking to himself for a moment and tips his hat  when I pass. There’s a veteran on the corner with no legs who always looks up, smiles at me, and says thank you, and I’ve never put a dime in his hat. There’s a group of young black guys that hang out in front of a coffee shop, but they’re so busy trying to keep their pants up and walk with their shoes untied, they pay no attention to me. 

I haven’t opened a door for myself in decades, except when I’m out with hubby. It’s a bit amusing, but that man loves to drop a door on me now and than. I roll my eyes, but in truth it always makes me smile. I know exactly what he’s doing. Men have been opening doors for me for so long if one wasn’t around I’d probably stand there and look stupid trying to figure out why the door won’t open.

A few weeks ago I had a brake light out. No less than six men stopped to make sure I knew about it. Two more left a note on my car. Perfect strangers, trying to protect me from a ticket. It actually started to get embarrassing, so I fixed the light.

Retired Navy guy likes to jog in traffic. He’s always in formation, chin up, face frozen, but his eyes always dart my way. He’s alert, well aware of my presence. The other day I raised an eyebrow in response to his darting eyes and he lost it and nearly smirked.

Last week this old guy sat down on a bench next to me and started showing me pictures of a girl from 60 years ago, long gone now. He had a yellowed love letter he had written her half a century ago, that he wanted to read to me. It was so poignant, so heart breaking, I had to go cry when he left. Lost loves from another century, remembered in every precious detail.

There’s a young guy who patrols the parking lot, a bit autistic. He introduced himself and informed me that he likes girls, he really likes girls, so he spends his days looking out for them. He fancies himself as a white knight with an important job to do. I’ve never seen him do anything inappropriate, except smile and wink at girls from 30 ft away. Sometimes they sit down on the sidewalk with him and tell him their troubles. “Her husband is a jerk,” he tells me. “That one drinks too much,” he says. “She doesn’t know how pretty she is,” he says sadly, and I nearly choke because she isn’t at all, but when I look in his eyes, I see the innocence there. He really sees her as beautiful. Dang.

Men cannot truly be misogynists. It’s impossible. They are biologically bound to women in a kind of symbiosis. Men can be jerks, be insensitive, be downright dangerous, but they cannot truly be misogynists. Misogyny is the fear and hatred of women. Men do not fear women. And they cannot hate us for very long, either. What people perceive as misogyny in men is actually a fascinating projection, like a reflection in a funhouse mirror. “Misogyny” in men is an illusion, because it’s not fear and hatred of women, it’s actually self loathing. Men who appear to hate women, really hate themselves, not us.

There is an inequality there, an unfairness, but it’s not women who get the short end of the stick this time.

Come on girl, walk on the wild side with me and embrace the misogyny, because it surely can’t be any worse than the world you’re already walking in.