How to Keep the NSA Amused

Step One: Use a consistent IP address and unsecured public wifi so every darn pervert and hacker has access to your stuff. It’s a bit like creating a six lane traffic jam for spies. The NSA will be so distracted trying to weave their way through all the weirdos spying on YOU, you’ll be left in relative anonymity.

Step Two: Drunk blogging. Wait for a full moon, get yourself a box of cheap wine, and let the skeletons in your closet come out to play…Try to use plenty of melodrama, much like an episode of Dark Shadows. The goal here is to keep them hanging on the edge of their seat, wondering what the heck that crazy girl is going to reveal next…

Step Three: To prevent identity theft resulting from the swiss cheese vulnerabilities our security people have left on the intertoobz, destroy your own identity first. Seriously foul it up! Credit card debt, transposed SS numbers, paternity suits, whatever floats your boat. Make it so bad that a hacker actually has to pay YOU to take it back. Go ahead, steal my identity, I dare you…

Step Four: Go on facebook to that little place where it says, “what’s on your mind today?” Really let them have it. None of this “Fine” stuff. FB wants to know how you feel, really let them know exactly how you feel. Then be sure to click like on every lawyer and public defender’s website in all 50 states. How do I feel? I feel like I’m going to need a #%& public defender in about five minutes, that’s how I feel!

Step Five: Visit the website of some cute celebrity and completely humiliate yourself. Declare your undying love, confess your deepest fantasies, practice your erotica writing skills. They’ll either kick you out or take you up on your offers. It’s win/win.

Step Six: Drunken haiku. Need I say more? You know darn well that’s code for something…

Step Seven: Be moody and unpredictable. You know, act like a girl…Make your comments irrational and in opposition to each other. Be a kind gentle spirit on one website and within seconds… a raging inferno of bitchiness on the next. Keep them guessing.

Step Eight: Create multiple online identities and email address. Translate the US Constitution into Pig Latin and spam yourself with it daily. Chances are good they’ll eventually break your code, but on the bright side, they might actually read the thing.

Do it people, do it for your country. Think of the poor NSA people forced to play Candy Crush with bored housewives all day. Think of the poor guy who has to monitor the phone sex lines…..